Who I Am Hates Who I've Been
by Jturtle
Summary: A songfic of Luke and Anakin at the end of ROTJ. Told in first person from AnakinVader's point of view.


This is a songfic for the wonderful song by RelientK "Who I Am Hates Who I've Been." I am not intending to use either the lyrics or the characters (who belong to GL) for money-makking purposes.

Now that that's out of the way... on with the show.

* * *

The throne room was dimly lit. Shadows crept up the walls as though they are parasitic plants, bent on sucking the life out of any plant unfortunate enough to get in their way.

But the focus of all those unfortunate, or stupid, enough to wander in there was the shrouded figure hunched over in the oddly shaped chair in the middle of the room. The shadows seemed to almost lovingly caress this embodiment of all the suffering that had plagued the galaxy for the last 20 years. Indeed, he was the cause of all of it.

The lift doors hissed opened to reveal an odd pair. The shorter of the two was wearing a pair of binder cuffs and a solemn expression. The other was emitting a shallow breathing noise. Both were wearing black from head to toe.

They began to slowly approach the throne and their destinies.

_I watched the proverbial sunrise  
Coming up over the Pacific and  
You might think I'm losing my mind,  
But I will shy away from the specifics... _

'cause I don't want you to know where I am  
'cause then you'll see my heart  
In the saddest state it's ever been.

Shame. Shame permeates my entire being. What is wrong with me? I'm hiding from everything that I should be facing. Even you.

The hiding is easy. I've been doing it for years. Even before I helped my master establish the empire. Even before I had to conceal a marriage. I think I've been hiding since I was born. I've been hiding from myself. From my fear.

Now I'm just hiding from everyone else as well.

_This is no place to try and live my life._

I've been walking this road of slavery for all of my life. It was always slavery of one sort or another. Whether it was blatant and shoved in my face or subtle it was always there.

This is possibly the worst yet. It is full of lies and half-truths. Full of scorn and fear. I feel that it's destroying me far more than my physical body.

And you are about to make the same choice that I did years ago. Maybe things will not turn out so badly for you. But it is far too late for me.

I told you that Obi-wan once thought as you do. It was too late for me then and it is too late for me now.

_Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.  
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.  
Stop right there. Well I never should have said  
That it's the very moment that  
I wish that I could take back._

You cut my arm off. Not that I can blame you. I did the same to you. It's poetic justice, I suppose, that you hurt me as badly as I hurt you, Luke. But you stopped. You can't do it. I couldn't do it. I can you that this will be the turning point for you. I can see the line. It's odd to be at the receiving end of such an evil. It hasn't happened to me since the Clone Wars or before. I wouldn't let it.

And I prevented it forever by crossing my own line. Ever since I met you I've been wondering if I made the right decision. I know I didn't kill Padme; your presence is proof of that.

Now I see more clearly. Wisdom with age? I don't think so. I thought I saw through the lies of the Jedi when I became a Sith but I realize that I hadn't even seen the tip of the iceberg, as far as truth goes. I'd seen far more than I should nave but I never saw the right things.

I have many regrets but here, now, I regret the moment that I made the choice that I see you facing now.

_I'm sorry for the person I became.  
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.  
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again  
'cause who I am hates who I've been.  
Who I am hates who I've been. _

I'm dying. Even as your face drifts in front of my blurred vision, I know this. Nothing will save me from the Force now. There is no power that can keep death at bay. I realized long ago that it was just Palpatine's lie the seduce me.

I have more regrets, I think, than any man ever has. I'm the worst traitor that ever lived. No other has destroyed an order that had existed for millennia. I suppose the Jedi's Chosen One did what he was destined to do. I destroyed the Jedi and the Sith. A morbid balance but balance none the less.

For 20 years I've lived like a coward and a monster. It's funny how those two go hand in hand so often. I saw it frequently in the imperial military but I never would have considered myself part of such a detestable group. Mirrors really are very blurry aren't they?

I'm ready. I'm ready to rid the galaxy of the killer of both Jedi and Sith. It is the Chosen One's time to die. Anakin Skywalker can rest in peace knowing Darth Vader is dead.

_Who I am hates who I've been  
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me.  
Who I am hates who I've been  
'cause who I've been only ever made me..._

You're speaking; saying that I can't die now when we've just found each other.

But you have no idea of the gift that you gave me today, Luke. When you surrendered yourself to the stormtroppers you believed in me so much to risk your life and soul. I almost was undeserving of that trust. I certainly had done nothing to merit it. But you gave me a second chance and in so doing; you saved me.

That is love, I suppose. The saving grace of all peoples.

_So sorry for the person I became.  
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.  
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again  
'cause who I am hates who I've been.  
Who I am hates who I've been. _

I'm sorry I was not a father to you when you were growing up. I'm sorry for a lot of things but I think you know that. I hope that tonight I did something to rectify that wrong.

But now is my time, Luke. I can rest knowing you will rebuild the Jedi to an order far brighter than it was when I destroyed it. This is not your end, Luke, but it is mine.

May you know light all your days.

Goodbye, Luke.

Goodbye.


End file.
